Ouch!

Ouch!

How painful is it when someone who matters to us expresses a negative opinion of us – especially if it's an often-repeated opinion?

Yikes!

Let's say that you live alone, and your mom visits. And she has an opinion about how your house should look, so she says something like, "How do you ever find anything in all this mess???"

Or let’s say that a much-loved friend visits, and has an opinion about the weeds in your yard, so your friend says something like, “Wow, it’s a jungle out here.”

Maybe the first time you hear these comments, you just wince a little and explain that you’ve been busy, sick, traveling, or whatever your reason is for the situation.

The tenth or fifteenth time, you might have a different reaction. Maybe you’ve learned to tune it out, but maybe it lands in the same spot the last umpteen comments have landed, and now that spot is a little sore. Now it hurts, makes you angry, resentful, defensive or wanting to weep. How can you not have that response?

When someone who matters to you has a repeating complaint, see if you can hear the commitment they have for you that is behind that complaint. My own example is that my mom used to complain about how much money I must be spending on books (I have a LOT of books). When I used this exercise, I began to hear something different underneath the complaints – my mother was worried about her daughter being a widow with no money to take care of herself. And the only reason for my mother to be worried – is because she loves me. I learned to hear the love, and let the rest go.