Ouch!

Ouch!

How painful is it when someone who matters to us expresses a negative opinion of us – especially if it's an often-repeated opinion?

Yikes!

Let's say that you live alone, and your mom visits. And she has an opinion about how your house should look, so she says something like, "How do you ever find anything in all this mess???"

Or let’s say that a much-loved friend visits, and has an opinion about the weeds in your yard, so your friend says something like, “Wow, it’s a jungle out here.”

Maybe the first time you hear these comments, you just wince a little and explain that you’ve been busy, sick, traveling, or whatever your reason is for the situation.

The tenth or fifteenth time, you might have a different reaction. Maybe you’ve learned to tune it out, but maybe it lands in the same spot the last umpteen comments have landed, and now that spot is a little sore. Now it hurts, makes you angry, resentful, defensive or wanting to weep. How can you not have that response?

When someone who matters to you has a repeating complaint, see if you can hear the commitment they have for you that is behind that complaint. My own example is that my mom used to complain about how much money I must be spending on books (I have a LOT of books). When I used this exercise, I began to hear something different underneath the complaints – my mother was worried about her daughter being a widow with no money to take care of herself. And the only reason for my mother to be worried – is because she loves me. I learned to hear the love, and let the rest go.

How to find out what’s REALLY in the way

Most of us have a list of “Someday I’ll have/be/do this goal.” For example, “Someday I’ll buy a house.” Or, “Someday I’ll get that promotion.” Or, get married, lose weight, start my own business.  It’s a big goal, and maybe we don’t know what steps it will take to get there. The next step is probably to investigate what those steps might be.

Does it seem like the Great Wall of China is between you and your goal?

But when we have a goal in mind and we do know all the actions that need to take place to achieve that goal – and yet we are stopped by a list of very ‘reasonable’ barriers – THAT’S when to ask – “What’s REALLY in the way?”

Here’s what I mean about ‘reasonable’ barriers. Let’s say that your goal is to expand your business, and one of the things that you know you need in order to do that is a substantial amount of capital so that you can invest in a larger workspace. You have a past relationship with a lender, so the lender knows that you are reliable. BUT - what you say when discussing the expansion is that you need money, and there isn’t any.

See the contradiction? Of course, it’s much easier to see when someone else is discussing it! 

So what’s really stopping you, if money is needed and is very likely available, but your internal objections say something different? 

In the example given above, what is scary and uncomfortable might turn out to be the risk of “disappointing others” if the venture goes forward – and fails. What’s really stopping that businessperson, who has a history of entrepreneurial success that goes back several years, is a fear instilled during childhood, and mostly hidden from the adult. 

Less barrier, more view!

If you can identify that element for yourself, you CAN resolve it and free yourself up to move forward on those dream goals!