Ouch!

Ouch!

How painful is it when someone who matters to us expresses a negative opinion of us – especially if it's an often-repeated opinion?

Yikes!

Let's say that you live alone, and your mom visits. And she has an opinion about how your house should look, so she says something like, "How do you ever find anything in all this mess???"

Or let’s say that a much-loved friend visits, and has an opinion about the weeds in your yard, so your friend says something like, “Wow, it’s a jungle out here.”

Maybe the first time you hear these comments, you just wince a little and explain that you’ve been busy, sick, traveling, or whatever your reason is for the situation.

The tenth or fifteenth time, you might have a different reaction. Maybe you’ve learned to tune it out, but maybe it lands in the same spot the last umpteen comments have landed, and now that spot is a little sore. Now it hurts, makes you angry, resentful, defensive or wanting to weep. How can you not have that response?

When someone who matters to you has a repeating complaint, see if you can hear the commitment they have for you that is behind that complaint. My own example is that my mom used to complain about how much money I must be spending on books (I have a LOT of books). When I used this exercise, I began to hear something different underneath the complaints – my mother was worried about her daughter being a widow with no money to take care of herself. And the only reason for my mother to be worried – is because she loves me. I learned to hear the love, and let the rest go.

How to find out what’s REALLY in the way

Most of us have a list of “Someday I’ll have/be/do this goal.” For example, “Someday I’ll buy a house.” Or, “Someday I’ll get that promotion.” Or, get married, lose weight, start my own business.  It’s a big goal, and maybe we don’t know what steps it will take to get there. The next step is probably to investigate what those steps might be.

Does it seem like the Great Wall of China is between you and your goal?

But when we have a goal in mind and we do know all the actions that need to take place to achieve that goal – and yet we are stopped by a list of very ‘reasonable’ barriers – THAT’S when to ask – “What’s REALLY in the way?”

Here’s what I mean about ‘reasonable’ barriers. Let’s say that your goal is to expand your business, and one of the things that you know you need in order to do that is a substantial amount of capital so that you can invest in a larger workspace. You have a past relationship with a lender, so the lender knows that you are reliable. BUT - what you say when discussing the expansion is that you need money, and there isn’t any.

See the contradiction? Of course, it’s much easier to see when someone else is discussing it! 

So what’s really stopping you, if money is needed and is very likely available, but your internal objections say something different? 

In the example given above, what is scary and uncomfortable might turn out to be the risk of “disappointing others” if the venture goes forward – and fails. What’s really stopping that businessperson, who has a history of entrepreneurial success that goes back several years, is a fear instilled during childhood, and mostly hidden from the adult. 

Less barrier, more view!

If you can identify that element for yourself, you CAN resolve it and free yourself up to move forward on those dream goals!

What if you DIDN’T "know" how it was going to go?

Is there someone in your life that you’d rather avoid? 

Maybe it’s a relative who is always criticizing you, or a co-worker who is demanding and overbearing, or a customer who is never satisfied. Consider this – the feeling you have when you think about that person is based on some event in the past, so you figure you have proof about who they are. Consider that how you feel about that person now has you gearing up, putting on your armor or rehearsing the conversation in your head. Does that sound familiar?

Now consider that your own perception guarantees that the experience will include criticism, demands, and dissatisfaction. It’s what you’re expecting.

Are you willing to try an experiment?

Next time you encounter that person, pretend as though you’ve never met them before. Be sincerely kind and respectful, as you would with someone you just met. You might be really surprised by the response!

And if you’re not – if that person is just as critical, demanding and dissatisfied as they’ve been in the past – you can choose in the moment how to respond. And just maybe that will surprise you, too.

The power of choice

A client asked me recently, "What's the difference between advice and guidance?"

I went to the dictionary first, and found that advice is defined as "an opinion or recommendation offered as a guide to action, conduct, etc." and that guidance is "the act or function of guiding; leadership; direction."

They seem pretty similar, don't they? Maybe there's not really much difference at all.

It's my opinion that advice and guidance are often just that - opinion. And maybe the opinion is based on experience, and maybe not. And maybe that experience is even relevant, and maybe not.

What's useful, when offered advice or guidance, is to remember that we have the power to choose. We can listen to advice, and then determine whether we will follow it or not. We can ask for guidance, and then decide if we are willing to be guided.

For some of us, the best journeys are those of exploration, where there is no guide and we simply experience what's around the next corner in the moment of its unfolding. For others, the journey is best enjoyed when we have some idea what to expect. And neither of these approaches is "better" or "worse" - just different. The gift may be in knowing yourself well enough to follow your own path.

Disappointed by the results of your affirmations? 

Like many of you, I have tried using positive affirmations to change behaviors or beliefs. Initially I got pretty frustrated - I was pretty diligent about the suggested repetitions, but did not feel like I was getting the expected results.

So I quit.

Sound familiar?

Recently I've been listening to the audio book Think and Grow Rich, by Napoleon Hill. If you've never read the book, or listened to the audio version, allow me to recommend it! Especially if, like me, you best absorb information in small chunks, the audio book while driving about town can be particularly effective.

Napoleon Hill wrote this book almost 100 years ago. Amazing. As it happens, right now I'm listening to the segment about affirmations, autosuggestion, visualization, etc. Hill emphasizes that if one does not attach strong visuals and strong emotions to the verbalization of affirmations, they have almost no power. There's now plenty of proof that he was right - if you watched the Winter Olympics, you saw top athletes like Lindsey Vonn, gold medalist in women's downhill skiing, practicing visualization with full-body movement before they ever started the competitive event.

It's the emotion attached to the idea that gives it the juice. Think about it. Maybe even reflect on events or results that you've manifested in the past. When you were creating that desire, that result, were you really excited about it? Inspired by the vision of that beach in Hawaii, or that promotion, or that relationship? When you thought about the end result - the beach, the job, the partner - did your heart beat a little faster?

I'm inspired myself now, to choose a couple of important goals of mine, and to recreate the affirmation of achieving those goals with full XD dimensions where the color pops off the screen of my mental movie theater and the seats are vibrating! How about you?

What's so scary about boundaries? 

 Many of the Coffee Conversations discussions have revolved around the idea of personal ‘boundaries’ - what they are, why we'd want them, why we let people ignore them, why we resist creating and standing for boundaries in certain areas of our lives – you get the idea.

Flowers create a 'boundary' in the landscape.

What do I mean when I say 'boundaries'? I'm talking about those 'rules to live by' that allow us to interact with the minimum of friction and confusion. Boundaries don't have to be like fortress-walls, keeping everyone out. The idea is to be clear about your own requirements for comfort, and then communicate them.

For example, if you live with another person, there are boundaries within the physical space AND the emotional space that allow you to get along - or NOT, as the case may be.

• There might be agreements between roommates that one does not enter the other's private area without permission. That's a physical boundary. 
•  So is the one that says if I buy chips, they're MY chips, not OUR chips.
• An emotional boundary might involve guests - is it okay for one roommate to invite someone to visit for a week without the agreement of the other roommate? Maybe it is – but the only way to know is to check in, to determine if both roommates share the same view of hospitality.

While not a universal truth, women do have a tendency to give their all for their family, friends, and even their work. Maybe it's the culture that raises women to be nurturers, and maybe it's in the hard wiring – but for women today to have a career, a relationship and any time for ourselves is a pretty big challenge. Part of that is because we don't know how to set boundaries around such areas as compensation for work, and private time to indulge in ourselves as we choose.

We unknowingly give others permission to treat us with disrespect when we don't create and protect our boundaries. After all, why should they pay attention when we don't? Is it really okay for your spouse to take over your workspace whenever he needs it? Is it really okay for your sister to make you feel guilty when you don't take her side in a family disagreement? What about the client that repeatedly makes appointments with you and then doesn't show up?

What consequence is there for disrespecting your boundaries?

What is Coffee Conversations???

A couple of years ago I was sitting with a couple of colleagues at a local restaurant, complaining about a marketing series I had attended. The advertising and sales tactics had seemed to be almost entirely focused on fear and scarcity, and I'm all about the abundance in life - and one of my friends said, "So start something yourself!" - and Coffee Conversations was born.

At Coffee Conversations, we are a group of women who primarily own our own businesses, and each of us at some point realized that we missed SOME of the benefits of working with others - brainstorming partners, accountability buddies, someone to cheer with us when we had successes. What we DIDN'T miss was the backbiting, the boss, the unrewarding tasks, the lack of opportunity to DO OUR OWN THING.

Coffee Conversations meets weekly for an hour. There are currently five chapters. See the meeting schedule at www.lesliecarleton.com/chapters_rgistration.html. Topics of discussion range widely over all areas of life, but tend to be focused around projects we've declared that we are working on. We use each other for accountability, inspiration and celebration.

Thanks for listening, and welcome to the Coffee Conversations blog!