What's so scary about boundaries? 

 Many of the Coffee Conversations discussions have revolved around the idea of personal ‘boundaries’ - what they are, why we'd want them, why we let people ignore them, why we resist creating and standing for boundaries in certain areas of our lives – you get the idea.

Flowers create a 'boundary' in the landscape.

What do I mean when I say 'boundaries'? I'm talking about those 'rules to live by' that allow us to interact with the minimum of friction and confusion. Boundaries don't have to be like fortress-walls, keeping everyone out. The idea is to be clear about your own requirements for comfort, and then communicate them.

For example, if you live with another person, there are boundaries within the physical space AND the emotional space that allow you to get along - or NOT, as the case may be.

• There might be agreements between roommates that one does not enter the other's private area without permission. That's a physical boundary. 
•  So is the one that says if I buy chips, they're MY chips, not OUR chips.
• An emotional boundary might involve guests - is it okay for one roommate to invite someone to visit for a week without the agreement of the other roommate? Maybe it is – but the only way to know is to check in, to determine if both roommates share the same view of hospitality.

While not a universal truth, women do have a tendency to give their all for their family, friends, and even their work. Maybe it's the culture that raises women to be nurturers, and maybe it's in the hard wiring – but for women today to have a career, a relationship and any time for ourselves is a pretty big challenge. Part of that is because we don't know how to set boundaries around such areas as compensation for work, and private time to indulge in ourselves as we choose.

We unknowingly give others permission to treat us with disrespect when we don't create and protect our boundaries. After all, why should they pay attention when we don't? Is it really okay for your spouse to take over your workspace whenever he needs it? Is it really okay for your sister to make you feel guilty when you don't take her side in a family disagreement? What about the client that repeatedly makes appointments with you and then doesn't show up?

What consequence is there for disrespecting your boundaries?

What is Coffee Conversations???

A couple of years ago I was sitting with a couple of colleagues at a local restaurant, complaining about a marketing series I had attended. The advertising and sales tactics had seemed to be almost entirely focused on fear and scarcity, and I'm all about the abundance in life - and one of my friends said, "So start something yourself!" - and Coffee Conversations was born.

At Coffee Conversations, we are a group of women who primarily own our own businesses, and each of us at some point realized that we missed SOME of the benefits of working with others - brainstorming partners, accountability buddies, someone to cheer with us when we had successes. What we DIDN'T miss was the backbiting, the boss, the unrewarding tasks, the lack of opportunity to DO OUR OWN THING.

Coffee Conversations meets weekly for an hour. There are currently five chapters. See the meeting schedule at www.lesliecarleton.com/chapters_rgistration.html. Topics of discussion range widely over all areas of life, but tend to be focused around projects we've declared that we are working on. We use each other for accountability, inspiration and celebration.

Thanks for listening, and welcome to the Coffee Conversations blog!